The Dense One Reviews: "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Bom and Lee Hi

The true faces of pure evil...

So in lieu of the fact that I could easily shit on this song on my other blog, I decided to do it on this one because I generally don't like being that negative about things on the Album Review Blog. As well as the fact that dedicating an article to one MV (especially as crappy as this one) on what is initially meant to be an album review site is pretty piss-poor.

So without further ado, I go ahead and subject myself to ear torture, I hope you are proud of yourself YG...

--More after the break--


Readers be warned, THIS is what happens to bad people for Christmas, because no one truly cares about coal in their stocking anymore.

This was so bad that I had to wash my ears out with SPICA and Davichi for an hour, it is just such a crime towards music in general (then again, most things that Park Bom squeaks out is a crime against humanity, so at least human rights are being violated this time around).

I wouldn't been reacting so badly if I wasn't such a huge Mariah Carey fan, this song is a classic that is played every Christmas and enjoyed by all... Only to be brutalized, disfigured and dismembered into a steaming pile of camel shit.

Alas, I have to retain some decorum and I will attempt to review the MV in a professional and unbiased manner... It doesn't mean that I'll succeed.

Don't worry unnie, you just go ahead and suck at your job... I'll save this song.

 Lee Hi is the "saving" grace of this song, it actually makes it listenable for a moment, but covering a Mariah Carey song in this manner is not a great career choice, neither is working with Bom, or being a vocalist in YG... Oh well, it could be worse, you could've picked JYP like Park Jimin.

The daunting ethereal feel oozes from both her vocals and her aesthetic and she would actually fit this concept well, if it was applied elsewhere in a different time period or perhaps a more melancholic Christmas song. Bonus points for her Engrish being better than Bom's English, even though she is allegedly fluent (or near-fluent, I don't care enough about Bom to actually follow this up) in the language.

However Lee Hi suffers from two things that make this unforgiveable for me and anyone with a decent paair of ears...

1) Unnecessary and Strained Ad-Libs.

Exhibited at 1:22-1:24, 2:41-2:43, 2:51-2:53, 3:18-3:22

Now to be fair, Bom was interfering on most of those, so maybe it wasn't completely LH's fault... However, the point still stands.

I'm an enthusiast towards the vocal/rap side of K-Pop (otherwise known to some people as vocalfag), I do enjoy variety skills, composition and even aesthetics, but when I talk about idols I genuinely expect them to be able to do something for me musically otherwise I'm not gonna be all that interested. Lee Hi is great and I enjoy her work but if she does a collaboration and expects not to get shit on then she needs to wake up and smell the roses.

Yes... I just said all of that just to make that joke.

Back to the point at hand, Lee Hi should realize that trying to instill some dignity into a doomed project by making it a vocal wank with unnecessary riffs that seem more forced into the track than Eunhyuk's magical 3-inch wonder into IU's perky little butthole, does not work and just makes you look like a dumbass for your effort, and makes the track sound extremely amateurish and messy too.

2) She's Looking More Plain Than Yoona Right Now.

When you normally hear Lee Hi, you think this...

Cute as fuck, bubblegum-blowing badass chick rocking denim!

What we got instead was this...

They both look like they've got more dope in them than Ahreum from T-ara.

Now of course due to the nature of the arrangement I can see why they would make her look more melancholy in this concept, but at the same time, would it hurt to not make her look so dull and drab. It's really impacting her facial expressions, Bom has more life in her face right now... Heck, even Kristen Stewart-- Actually I think Lee Hi just about edges ahead on that one, but I digress.

Onto the main problem...

Park Bom.

Stare deep into the eyes of the beast.

 Otherwise known as the worst nightmare for any "vocalfag" anywhere... When she isn't busy sounding like a Pterodactyl having sex with a Hyena that has glass in its vagina (and trust me that's a compliment), she decides to completely ruin any credibility the MV might have had by just looking so awkward and out of place, THE ENTIRE WAY THROUGH!!!

Seriously, if it wasn't bad enough to sound bad, Bom had to go ahead and look bad too? (Not that she can help that, but hey...).

Hesus Christo this was bad, and such a god-awful rendition of one of the most iconic songs to grace the planet, this is precisely the reason why we can't have nice things!

Bom had to fart some god awful "vocal" runs through her nose in order to sound like she knew what she was doing and then go on to be off-key on a harmony in the final cut, how that went past mastering I have no idea, or maybe even those guys felt like they could only do so much to make Bom sound like a credible vocalist.

Overall, the entire thing was piss-poor which is exactly what I expected from a K-Pop Christmas song, and it really just needs to die out instead of idiots like me complaining about it.

#RantOver

Final [MV] Score: -21/10